Four Rabbis in a discussion ... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Sat, 26 Sep 1998 00:17:31 -0500
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and
they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It
rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I
knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm
clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to
show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a
bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed
toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning
slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by
natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just
as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth
shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S
RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three,
and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
_____________________________________________________________________
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with
light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to
do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that
the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up
to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive
surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might.
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore, and worn out, feeling
that his whole day had been spent in vain. Seeing that the man was
showing signs of discouragement, the Evil Impulse decided to enter the
picture by placing thoughts into the man's weary mind: "You have been
pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't budged. Why
kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it." Thus giving the
man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure,
these thoughts discouraged and disheartened the "Why kill myself over this?"
he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort and
that will be good enough."
And that he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of
prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. "Lord", he said, "I have
labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that
which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that
rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to
serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never
once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was
to push. And now you come to me, with your strength spent, thinking that you
have failed. But, is that really so? "Look at yourself. Your arms are strong
and muscled, your back sinewed and brown, your hands are callused from
constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through
opposition you have grown much and your abilities now
surpass that which you used to have.
Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient
and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you
have done. "I, my friend, will now move the rock."
At times when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own
intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is
just simple obedience and faith in Him....... By all means, exercise
the faith that move mountains, but it is still God who moves the
mountains.
___________________________________________________________________________
THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me LOGIC
Like -- "If you fall off that swing and break your neck,
you can't go to the store with me."
My mother taught me MEDICINE
Like -- "If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they're going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me ESP
Like -- "Put your sweater on; don't you
think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE
Like -- "Where's your brother and don't talk
with food in your mouth. Now answer me!"
My mother taught me HUMOR
Like -- "When that lawnmower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES
Like -- "You're grounded and this is what is best for you.
You'll thank me one day"
______________________________________________________________________
Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney,
"let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and
spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy
a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts
his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5
minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a
four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it
to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends,
you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've
been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
_________________________________________________________________________
Peg Ann McCoy
"I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peg Ann McCoy.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet,my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My' pundit pains each time it rains.
My toes is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a silver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is - What?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .......Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"
__________________________________________________________________________
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this
fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient
called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet
and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same
thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo,
and I didn't want anyone else to read it by
accident, so I folded it so only the recipient
could open it and read it."
--------
My friend called his car insurance company to
tell them to change his address from Texas
to Vermont. The woman who took the call
asked where Vermont was.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,
"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what
state is it in?"
--------
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a
large motor home was towed into the garage.
The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked
like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the cruise
control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
__________________________________________________________________________
A five-year-old was reading and came to a word she didn't know. She
asked her dad, "What does 'garff' mean?" At least her pronunciation
made it sound like "garff".
He said, "I'm not sure I understand the word. Can you use it in a
sentence?"
Exasperated, she said very slowly... "Sure: What... does... garff...
mean?"
___________________________________________________________________________
A man and wife attended church one evening,
and the wife decided that it was time to stop her
husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took
her hat pin and decided she would poke him
every time he fell asleep.
Right about the first time he falls asleep,
the preacher asks, "And who created the
Universe?" The wife poked her husband
and he awakes and yells, "My God!"
The second time he falls asleep,
the preacher asks, "And who died on the
cross for you?" She pokes her husband
and he screams, "Jesus Christ!"
The third time, the Preacher asks,
" And what did Eve say to Adam after she
bore him his 99th son?""
The wife pokes her husband and he jumps
up and yells, "By God, if you poke me
with that thing one more time,
I am going to break it OFF!"
__________________________________________________________________________
A blonde went to the doctor with a list of complaints. She touched her
right index finger to her left shoulder and said, "Doctor, when I touch
here, it hurts" She then pointed to her left elbow, "when I touch here
it hurts"she placed her finger on her knee, "when I touch here it
hurts" then reached up and grabbed her ear, '"when I touch here it
hurts."
Finally in despair she cried, "What's wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replied, "Your finger is broken."
__________________________________________________________________________
"What I've learned in Life" - Author unknown
**I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care
back.
**I've learned that no matter how good a person is, they're going to hurt
you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
**I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
**I've learned that talking can ease emotional pains.
**I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to
destroy it.
**I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the
longest distance.
**I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you
a heartache for life.
**I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have
in your life.
**I've learned that good friends are family members that we are
allowed to choose.
**I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that
friends change.
**I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon.
**I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
**I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced
who we are, but we are responsible for ourselves.
**I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can
do, but to the best you can do.
**I've learned that it's not where I am that is important. It's where I am
going.
**I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two
sides.
**I've learned that it takes a long time to become the person I
want to be.
**I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
**I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you cannot.
**I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
**I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when
it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
**I've learned that patience takes alot of practice.
**I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't
know how to show it.
**I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and
have the best time.
**I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
**I've learned that there is more of my parents in me that I thought.
**I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
**I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way
you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
**I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of
experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less
to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
**I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely
or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it
would be if she believed it.
**I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by someone else.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
**I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world
doesn't stop for your grief.
___________________________________________________________________________
Rules for Writeres
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
___________________________________________________________________________
1. Open a new Microsoft Word document.
2. Type the phrase: I'd like Bill Clinton to resign.
3. Highlight this phrase as if you were going to check for
spelling.
4. Open the thesaurus ( Shift + F7; or under the Tools menu in
Language).
5. Laugh at the suggested phrase.
Give it a try!
[Moderators note: I tried it and the Thesaurus replied with
the phrase .... "I'll drink to that" ............Hmmmmmm maybe
Gatesware isn't so bad after all............................. TN ]
___________________________________________________________________________
Tashlich Crumbs : A Comical Look at Tashlich
by Rabbi Richard J. Israel
With thanks to Robbie Fein who is responsible for the original inspiration.
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the
house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. I would
suggest that we can do better.
Instead:
For ordinary sins, use ........................... White Bread
For exotic sins .................................. French Bread
For particularly dark sins ....................... Pumpernickel
For complex sins ................................ Multi-Grain
For twisted sins ................................. Pretzels
For tasteless sins ............................... Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision ........................... Waffles
For sins committed in haste ...................... Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes.. Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah ............................. Fresh Bread
For substance abuse/marijuana .................... Stoned Wheat
For substance abuse/heavy drugs .................. Poppy Seed
For committing auto theft ........................ Caraway
For petty larceny ................................ Stollen
For committing arson ............................. Toast
For timidity ..................................... Milk Toast
For being ill tempered/sulky ..................... Sourdough
For silliness .................................... Nut Bread
For not giving full value ........................ Shortbread
For jingoism ..................................... Yankee Doodles
For risking one's life unnecessarily ............. Hero Bread
For excessive use of irony ....................... Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes ............................ Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts ......................... Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry ............... Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering ................................ Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing ............................ Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others ........... Tortes
For promiscuity .................................. Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles .................... Hot Cross Buns
For racism ....................................... Crackers
For sophisticated racism ......................... Ritz Crackers
For davenning (praying) off tune ................. Flat Bread
For being holier than thou ....................... Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another .................. Challah
For indecent photography ......................... Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment ..................... Dumplings
For sins of laziness ............................. Any Very Long Loaf
For being hyper-critical ......................... Pan Cakes
For political skullduggery ....................... Bismarcks
For over-eating ..................... Stuffing Bread or Bulkey Rolls
For gambling ..................................... Fortune Cookies
For abrasiveness ................................. Grits
For sins of pride ................................ Puff Pastry
For cheating .............. Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For being snappish .............................. Ginger Bread
For impetuosity ................................. Quick Bread
For incompetent child rearing ................... Raisin Bread
For negligent slip ups .......................... Banana Bread
For dropping in without warning ................. Popovers
For trying to improve everyone within sight ..... Angel Food Cake
For being up-tight and irritable ....... High Fiber or Bran Muffins
For sycophancy .................................. Brownies
Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone. For those
who require a wide selection of crumbs, an attempt will be made to
have pre-packaged Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite,
Medium and Industrial Strength) at your local Jewish bookstore.
___________________________________________________________________________
Scene: It's a fine beautiful day in the forest;
and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow,
typing away on his lap top.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My Thesis paper to graduate from University."
Fox: "Hmmmmm. What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(There is an incredulous pause)
Fox: "That's ridiculous!
Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow.
After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone,
the rabbit returns to his lap top and resumes
typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to
watch the hard working rabbit.
(Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves."
(loud guffaws).
Wolf: "You don't expect to get such garbage
published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow,
and again the rabbit returns by himself.
This time he is patting his stomach.
He goes back to his typing.
(Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
Finally a bear comes along and asks,
Bear: "What are you doing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd!"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you."
SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner,
there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner is a
pile of wolf bones. On the other side of
the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
-----------------------
It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis topic.
It doesn't matter what you use for your data.
It doesn't even matter if your topic makes sense.
What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor.
__________________________________________________________________________
A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part
of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a
brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.
On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson
on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to
describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what
it is." The children nodded eagerly.
"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands
went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..."
The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And
it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail
when it's excited (pause)..."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed
a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well...," said the boy, "I *know*
the answer must be Jesus...but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
____________________________________________________________________________
Computer Genius?
>>>>Joke Category = Computers -- Rating = PG
"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see
the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on
the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds
like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked
out his/her monitor's power plug.]
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when
it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find where the power cord goes into it. Can you
see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled]
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would
have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to
send him/her hunting for the power switch because
I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's
bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe
the video cable is loose or something.]
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,
not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something
and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
--it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then
take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]
__________________________________________________________________________
The Younger Set
* A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?"
One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible !"
* Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an
officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah ? Well, if
we were speeding, so were you !"
* Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said,
"Let's play doctor."
"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."
* I guess you can get too health conscious.the wife and I don't
have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of
some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had
in them. I told him I doubted there were any at all. He replied
wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun ?"
* Like a lot of married men, I got the "You just don't appreciate me"
speech once from Juanita. I promised to treat her royally for the
remainder of the day. I took her to lunch at Burger King and Dairy
Queen for dessert. She's never mentioned it since.
____________________________________________________________________________
Doctor - Patient ...
* Doctor: "You're coughing easier today."
Patient: "No wonder. I practiced all night."
* Doctor: "Mrs Pritchard, I'm afraid your husband can never work again."
Mrs Pritchard: "I'll tell him. That'll cheer him up for sure !"
* A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her
husband, she seemed to be suffering from amnesia. The doctor asked,
"Have you ever had this before ?"
* I guess once a lawyer always a lawyer. The doctor broke the sad
news to his lawyer patient that the man had approximately 3 months
to live. The lawyer pondered a moment and asked, "Consecutively ?"
* One of the side benefits of the reunification of Germany was that
for German Measles prior to their reuniting, doctors always had to
give their patients two shots -- East and West.
* A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I
don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids."
* A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined
by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man
a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer. The man asked, "How
often do I take these."
"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for
you." replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."
___________________________________________________________________________
The Art of "Arkansan Speaking"
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal
bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds
has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington
Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
Until the agency received the following letter from an Texas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I
followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it
was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
___________________________________________________________________________
"I asked G-d......"
I asked G-d to take away my pride.
G-d said, "No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up."
I asked G-d to make my handicapped child whole.
G-d said, "No.
Her spirit is whole, her body was only temporary."
I asked G-d to grant me patience.
G-d said, "No.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn't granted,
it is earned."
I asked G-d to give me happiness.
G-d said, "No.
I give you blessings, happiness is up to you."
I asked G-d to spare me pain.
G-d said, "No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and
brings you closer to me."
I asked G-d to make my spirit grow.
G-d said, "No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you
to make you fruitful."
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
G-d said, "No.
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things."
I ask G-d to help me LOVE others, as much as G-d
loves me.
G-d said...
"Ahhhh.......... Finally you have the idea!"
_________________________________________________________________________
The Suit
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible,
ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?"
the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of
that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!
But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied,"after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing
eye dog bit me."
____________________________________________________________________________
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's
wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one
of my husbands has passed away." The other lady asked, "What did they
used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire,
the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth
was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go."
_____________________________________________________________________________
DISCOURAGED ???
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local
Little League Baseball game that was being played in a park near my
home.
As I sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline, I asked one of the
boys what the score was. We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with
a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should
we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
____________________________________________________________________________
A LESSON IN HEART
A lesson in "heart" is my little, 10-year-old daughter, Sarah, who was
born with a muscle missing in her foot and wears a brace all the time.
She came home one beautiful spring day to tell me she had competed
in"field day"- that's where they have lots of races and other
competitive events.
Because of her leg support, my mind raced as I tried to think of
encouragement for my Sarah, things I could say to her about not letting
this get her down-but before I could get a word out, she said, "Daddy, I
won two of the races!" I couldn't believe it! And then Sarah said, "I
had an advantage." Ahh. I knew it. I thought she must have been given a
head start... some kind of physical advantage.
But again, before I could say anything, she said, "Daddy, I didn't get a
head start... My advantage was I had to try harder!"
____________________________________________________________________________
We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next-door
neighbor. - G. K. Chesterton
____________________________________________________________________________
If you don't quit, and don't cheat, and don't run home when trouble
arrives, you can only win. - Shelley Long
____________________________________________________________________________
A baby is a small member of the family that makes love stronger, days
shorter, nights longer, the bankroll smaller, the home happier, clothes
shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living. - Anonymous
_____________________________________________________________________________
Southern ventings
Most of these one-liners are from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's
Vent column (reader's comments on life and current events):
After seeing how Disney is doing financially, I was wondering if I
could get the Southern Baptists to boycott my company.
The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a
psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it
worries him.
It's not classy, it's cheap. When restaurants charge $1.50 and up for
iced tea, I ask for water with a lemon so that I can make lemonade.
Of course I tip my waiters, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
When I told my 5-year-old this morning that I loved him, he replied,
"Now what did you do wrong, Momma?"
Never kick a man unless he's down.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
If there wasn't the risk of having a baby, would sex be as much fun?
It is not politically correct to say that people are fat or obese.
They are merely overzealous connoisseurs of the art of cuisine.
The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog.
The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog is there to keep
the man from touching the computers.
My wife wanted a change of scenery, so I showed her the kitchen.
While I was out of town, burglars broke into my apartment, but they
didn't take anything. It really hurt my feelings.
If the Republicans were really serious about saving us money, they'd
adjourn Congress as soon as the President signs the budget. Don't
count on it.
The less I see of New Gingrich the easier it is for me to forget him.
It's better to say something good about a bad person than to say
something bad about a good person.
___________________________________________________________________________
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
ICQ: http://wwp.mirabilis.com/3658585
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