The Justice Department ... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Thu, 10 Sep 1998 11:26:47 -0500
Justice Department officials have obtained internal Microsoft documents
that would support a new antitrust case.
Man, I hope the federal government wins.
I like to root for the little guy.
__________________________________________________________________________
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was
known as being an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the
dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever
washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and
grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get
them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started
eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty
dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside
whistled and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
___________________________________________________________________________
Conversation Between Bill Gates and Satan
'Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates...'
'Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?'
'It's tiiiiime...'
'Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll wipe out
Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the third-floor
kitchen again, and...'
'Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to mention
the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs' head on a
platter.'
'Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I...'
'Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And today is
the day you pay your eternal debt to me.'
'Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan...'
'Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man in the world!
You've got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful
company on the planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN server! And
frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons I've come to collect. If you
can't get my network to run right, you'll spend the afterlife writing
Windows applications that run on doorbells...'
'What's your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2? You're a funny
guy for someone who breathes fire.'
'Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java...'
'Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants again like
that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share.'
'Yes, Java, running on Apple servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle databases
with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through Netscape Navigator.'
'That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that scare
children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used to do
anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice little
language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many espressos
isn't going to displace hundreds of millions of PCs.'
'Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be hornswaggled
if I'm going to give God a strategic technology advantage!'
'Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?'
'Interesting. Tell me more.'
'Wait a minute. What's in it for me?'
'I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this second.'
'Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable.'
'Disable what?'
'Disable Java support in Internet Explorer.'
'You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?'
'That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape 50
bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge
Communicator with Lotus Notes.'
'The Department of Justice will...'
'Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies want to
use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don't have to sell Fords.
Pepsi's restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to
support Java?!?'
'It's an industry standard...'
'It's an industry hallucination.'
'There will be a public outcry...'
'From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up to their nosehairs
in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java is still a cute
word for coffee.'
'What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?'
'Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market for
browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two years.
It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web access. If they come
to a site that doesn't work because of Java, they'll simply jump to the
next one. Trust me, developers will switch to ActiveX faster than you can
say 'Playstation.''
'What about other platforms...'
'Like Intel has competition?'
'Interactive TV...'
'We call it WebTV in Redmond.'
'Venture capitalists have invested billions...'
'To get a date with Kim Polese.'
'Sun will write a plug-in...'
'Not without the hidden APIs.'
'Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay.'
'Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement...'
___________________________________________________________________________
Two enemies are just two potential friends who don't know each other.
___________________________________________________________________________
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national
pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager
operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged
less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps
being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call
her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was
Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name" was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light
bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
____________________________________________________________________________
Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly
hear tom toms beating very close to them.
"Oh! That doesn't sound good," one says to the other.
As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree
and said, "Yeah, our regular drummer is out sick."
____________________________________________________________________________
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
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