Jewish Truths ...

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THE ETERNAL JEWISH TRUTHS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S TALMUD

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's

No one looks good in a yarmulke.

Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?

Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

WASPs leave and never say good-bye.  Jews say good-bye and never leave.

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.

Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.

There's nothing like a good belch.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
magnesia.

Never pay retail.

It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.

Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.

No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves
with a hangover.

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

If you don't eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

The most important word to know in any language is sale.

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.

Next year in Jerusalem.  The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants 
and white shoes for pinochle.

A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

Before you read the menu, read the prices.

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up 
and tell his mother he's an adult.  This usually happens at 
around age 45.

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
Chinese restaurants.

Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying  someone who
isn't Jewish.

If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for
everyone else to hear.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

What business is a yenta in?  Yours.

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford
it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking
spot at the mall.
  
Prozac is like chicken soup:  it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you
feel better.

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.

Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.


==========================================================================

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

==========================================================================

REPORT: INTERNET CAN MAKE YOU LONELY, DEPRESSED

This was from CNN text news:
"Internet users who spend even a few hours a week online at home
experience higher levels of depression and loneliness than if they had
used the computer network less frequently, The New York Times
reported."

Reasons why the 'Net makes me depressed:

* 0.00001% response rate to my multi-level marketing spam.

* So difficult to convey the effects of my plastic surgery via ASCII.

* My inability to  spell is now well-known to 2 billion people around
the world.

* Lost a bundle at some Internet casino based in Moldavia.

* People in my favourite mailing list believe that I am a bot and send
me messages in binary form only.

* My dog got hold of my password and now my mailbox is clogged
with posts from lists called "Machocanines" and "Allcatsarewimps".

* Cherry Bonbon, one of the darlings of my favourite newsgroup,
has turned out to be a female impersonator.

* I discovered that my ISP modem is two tin cans connected by a
piece of string.

* My latest post, "The use of interest rates in currency support,
whilst maintaining a sustainable growth", to an Economy list has been
acknowledged by the listowner with: "HAHAHAHAHA!!".

* My latest joke to HUMOR resulted in 1743 e-mails telling me that it
was the most moving, touching, heart-breaking story they had ever
read.

* The members of an online support group "There is always hope
4U", think I am hopeless.

===========================================================================

Hanging out in a SCSI bar...

I was hanging out in a SCSI bar.  A loud bandwidth played in the corner.

I gave the place a binary search.  I saw a little chip in the corner.
She SIMMed like a pro.  I traversed over to her.

She pressed her Apples against me.  "Hey, Mac, do you have a hard drive?"

"No, only a floppy," I replied.

"Well, then you need an Amiga," she said.

"Vi?"

"Well, if I was your Amiga, we could interface."

We went to a motel on a VESA local bus.

The motel was SCSI-2.  It needed to be debugged.

"So, how much is this going to cost me?"  I queried.

She added it up right away.  She had a mind like a...like a....
She could add really fast.

She stripped her binaries.  It was quite a procedure.

"I'm going to turn your software into hardware," she transmitted.

She started to spreadsheet.

"So, are you ready to RAM?" she called.

I had been auditing everything.  I sent a signal.
It was time for the trap.

All the agents burst through the gateway.  My manager was with them.

"Awk!  It's a RAID!" she said.

"Don't arrest me!  I'm a motherboard!  How will I explain this to my Sun?"

The agents were not responding.  They got ready to stop her process.

She was getting desperate.  "Hey, I could do a favor for all of you.
I'm fully multitasking."

It didn't work.  We're all UNIX.

===========================================================================

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God
made you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as
well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered
what was running through her mind.  At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

==========================================================================

                         REMEMBRANCE.......

A lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned
in the Will:

"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as
the good, the house and $2 million.

"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the
business going, the yacht, the business and $1 million.

"And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would
not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!"

===========================================================================

There were three blokes talking at McDonalds.  Two of them are talking
about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third bloke remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well,
what about you, what sort of control do you have over your
wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you.  Just the other night my wife came
to me on her hands and knees."" The first two blokes were amazed.  "What
happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."

===========================================================================

[oldies but goodies]

The Bible According to KIDS
 
The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual
students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:
 
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
 
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
 
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
 
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
 
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
 
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.
 
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
 
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.
 
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
 
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
ammendments.
 
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
 
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
 
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
 
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
 
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
 
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.
 
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
 
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.
 
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
 
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.
 
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus
in the manager.
 
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
 
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
 
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you.
 
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
 
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
 
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
 
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
 
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
 
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony, which
is another name for marriage.
 
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

===========================================================================

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.  They
parked their truckat the end of the alley and worked their way to the
other end.  At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.  They stopped and
asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard
as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"




--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
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