Many and various nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Thu, 03 Sep 1998 10:30:08 -0500
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he
needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man
in my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more
question."
"What is it son."
"Do I now have to tell him the war is over?"
********************************
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Author Unkown
==========================================================================
A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really
think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to
Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman
was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass
through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.
L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to
Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates
for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored,"
she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any
newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the
woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful
angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the
gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when
I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I
really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia.
===========================================================================
A squad car cop was passing through a town in the sticks when he was
amazed to find a former lieutenant from his district covering the
beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your
new beat out here in the sticks, would it?
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on
his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was *I( to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" Mike
shrugged.
"Com'on! Everybody knows you should never book a judge by his cover!"
===========================================================================
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills...
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains...
If you can resist complaining and boring people with you troubles...
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it...
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time...
If you can overlook when people take things out on you...
when through no fault of your, something goes wrong...
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment...
If you can face the world without lies and deceit...
If you can conquer tension without medical help...
If you can relax without liquor...
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
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.......... then, you are almost as good as your dog.
===========================================================================
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report
that her husband was missing. The policeman asked
for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair,
an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the
children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
===========================================================================
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
---
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had
a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning
photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
---
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a
time...?"
Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"
---
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be
president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
---
The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle"
because he is so full of *beeep* that he can't fly.
---
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as
putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
---
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest
leaders:
Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
---
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are
just like kids everywhere else."
---
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
============================================================================
Real Headlines
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
============================================================================
[Moderators note: I remember seeing this *gag* in a three stooges movie
many many many years ago ........................................ TGN ]
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down
siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either
toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why
are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and
it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's
pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The
nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side
of the house!!"
[ the 3 stooges *gag* ended up with Moe "walking" the nail (that didn't
point to the wall when it was taken out of the nail apron) in the
*backwards* position (with the head towards the wall) to the wall
directly on the other side where the chiseled tip of the nail points
to the wall. I like the graphic explaination of the stooges the best ..TN]
===========================================================================
KEYS TO BUSINESS SUCCESS
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with
documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for
important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're
heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look
like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads
of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that
you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like
work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail,
calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything
remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that
everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either.
When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense
is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving
valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter.
Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry
away like a frightened salamander.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest
of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of
documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks
the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.
If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll
need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People
don't call you just because they want to give you something for
nothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's to
way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves
a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond
during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even
though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method
of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there,
this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a
solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last
message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on
the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit
frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming
messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your
callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this
mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high
demand.
============================================================================
ALL ABOUT BARBERS.....
* A man walked into a barber shop and said, "Just take a little off
around the ears. I don't have time to listen to a haircut."
- - - - -
* The barber shop I go to has a large sign in the window:
"Eight barbers: continuous discussion -- non-stop jokes"
- - - - -
* Barber: "Your hair is getting gray."
Customer: "Try cutting a little faster."
- - - - -
* A long haired teen was getting a "trim". He said to the barber,
"I'm taking a year or two away from college to find myself."
The barber replied, "If you'd get more than a trim, I'm sure
you'd discover you've been there under all that hair all along."
- - - - -
* A guy walks into a barber shop, is seated, and sez irritably to
the barber, "I want my hair parted exactly in the middle."
After about 10 seconds, the barber replies, "I'm afraid that's
not possible sir. I just counted them & you have an odd number."
- - - - -
* A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor.
"Why ?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one ?"
"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a
chance to defend myself."
- - - - -
* A new barber was far from proficient, nicking his customer a
dozen times while giving him a shave. When he was finished, the
customer asked for a glass of water.
"Do you feel OK ?" asked the barber, worried that maybe the
fellow was going to faint, after seeing the blood on the towel.
"No, I'm fine." replied the customer. "I just want to see if
my face or neck leak anywhere."
===========================================================================
THE LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS...
* Juanita still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it.
She came into the Den as I was watching TV. I guess I
stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."
The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really ? And what
time does it go off ?"
- - - - -
* I do a lot of teasin' about my wife's cookin', but actually
she's a very good chef. Once when my son, Scot and his
wife were over for chinese, he asked why we never went all the
way and used chopsticks.
The last thing I remember saying was, "Well Jim, the one time
we tried that, your Mother sat there and knitted a meal."
- - - - -
* Our friend, Linda, was questioning Juanita on the effects
a woman's "Change of Life" had on her. After a while, she turned
to me and said, "How about from a husband's point of view ?"
The last thing I remember saying was, "Well... to be honest I'm
having a terrible problem with both her behavior and attitude. My
exaggerations just can't keep up with the facts."
- - - - -
* She doesn't complain often, but once she was having a old
fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Honey, you never listen
to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look
in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try
to work on that."
The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that
you were saying ?"
============================================================================
ACCIDENT REPORTS:
*Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
I don't have.
*The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intent.
*I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
*In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
*I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.
As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my
vision and I did not see the other car.
*I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.
*I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
*My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
*As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in
a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me
unable to avoid the accident.
*I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair,
I found that I had a fractured skull.
*I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side
of the road when I struck him.
*I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off
the hood of my car.
*The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth.
*I was thrown from my car as it left the road and was later found
in a ditch by some stray cows.
*A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
*I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I
put my head through it.
*To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.
*The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.
*The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
*An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
*A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
*I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-
in-law, and headed over the embankment.
===========================================================================
State Motto's
Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:
As Seen on TV
Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are
Real Good
Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:
"10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes"
Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
Dial-a-babe and Poker!
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:
The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I speak English)
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:
Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:
Eat Cheese or Die
Wyoming:
Wynot?
============================================================================
The Worlds Shortest Books
15 Gulf War Hero's of Iraq
14 Yugoslovian Tourist Guide
13 The Irish Temperance Society Members Register
12. "The Book of Feminist Humor" by Patricia Schroeder
11. Human Rights Advances in China
10. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
9. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
8. Al Gore: The Wild Years
7. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
6. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
5. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
4. Everything Men Know About Women
3. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. "Modern Ethics and Morality" by William Jefferson Clinton
=============================================================================
How To Give Your Cat A Pill
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just
as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's
a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down
with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke
pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.
(Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled
in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your
torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open
cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly.
Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see
what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry.
If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve
cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss
here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those
flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10.Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread
towel on floor.
11.Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12.Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13.Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.
(Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14.Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man
15.Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16.Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17.Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18.Take two aspirins and lie down.
============================================================================
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
ICQ: http://wwp.mirabilis.com/3658585
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