Classroom funnies ... nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Tue, 01 Sep 1998 10:49:44 -0500
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.
----
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE : Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : George!
----
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY : Me!
----
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY : No, I'm Billy Anderson.
----
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in
one day?
ALFRED : I get up early.
----
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't i promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir,but since I broke my promise,you didn't have to
keep yours.
----
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
----
HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework.
----
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I
did.
----
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
DON : I hope you didn't either.
----
GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
----
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
----
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
----
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER : What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
----
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.
----
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
JOSE : Don't bite any.
----
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN : I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
ELLEN : All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
----
TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defence" and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX : The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over
defence before detail.
----
TEACHER: Toby, what are you doing under your desk?
TOBY : Didn't you tell us to read Dr.Jekyll and Hyde (hide)?
----
The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program.
"There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he
snapped. "Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" voice
shouted, "Okay---you start."
----
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
----
TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA : A new bike.
----
TEACHER : If you had one dollar and you asked your father for
another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT : One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
----
TEACHERS : If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the
other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
----
TEACHER: Why are you late?
AMOS : I lost my quarter.
TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?
OLIVER : I was standing on it.
----
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
=============================================================================
BURGER KING INTRODUCES LEFT-HANDED WHOPPER®
More than 32 Million Americans Could Benefit
Burger King Corporation today announced the launch of the new
Left-Handed WHOPPER®, which will become available nationwide tomorrow.
America's most preferred premium hamburger will feature the trademark
build of lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles, mayonnaise, ketchup and
4-ounce flame broiled hamburger patty, but the newly designed sandwich
has been re-engineered to fit more comfortably in the left hand, thereby
reducing condiment "spills" for left-handed hamburger lovers. It is
estimated that more than 1.4 million left-handed customers visit U.S.
Burger King® restaurants each day.
The new left-handed sandwich will have all condiments rotated 180
degrees, thereby redistributing the weight of the sandwich so that the
bulk of the condiments will skew to the left, thereby reducing the
amount of lettuce and other toppings from spilling out the right side of
the burger. The exact method of rotation is a closely held proprietary
secret, and Burger King officials would not allowed it to be viewed by
members of the press.
"We have always been proud of the fact that we offered 1,024 ways to
order our flagship WHOPPER® sandwich. Now we are offering 1,025 ways.
It's the ultimate 'HAVE IT YOUR WAY'® for our left-handed customers,"
said Jim Watkins, senior vice president for marketing for Burger King
Corporation.
It is estimated that approximately 13 percent of the U.S. population (or
32.5 million people) is left-handed, making this consumer group one of
the largest--and one of the most overr-looked--minority segments in the
country.
The new left handed WHOPPER® will be launched in a full-page ad in USA
TODAY on Thursday. Initially, the Left-Handed WHOPPER® will only be
available in the U.S., however, the company is considering plans to roll
it out to other countries with large left-handed populations.
Industry analyst, Myron Katz, expressed doubt about Burger King's latest
offering. "The new left-handed WHOPPER® will probably be a dismal
failure like last year's left-handed straws."
Jim Watkins countered his claim by explaining that "the left-handed
straw campaign failed because it was 'too successful.' It's a well know
fact that lefties tend to hoard left-handed items. When word got out on
the streets, we were literally swamped with lefties at all of our
locations. It was impossible to re-tool the straw factories quickly
enough to meet the demand for left-handed straws, so we cancelled the
campaign and used the resources to fund this year's Mr. Potato Latke®
promotion."
============================================================================
As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take
a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
===========================================================================
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth
isprobably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
===========================================================================
Things to learn from Noah...
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to
do something REALLY big.
Don't listen to critics - do what has to be done.
Build on high ground.
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Two heads are better than one.
Speed isn't always an advantage.
The cheetahs were on a board, but so were the snails.
If you can't fight or flee - float!
Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
Don't forget that we're all in the same boat
When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain - shovel!!
Stay below deck during the storm.
Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic
was built by professionals.
If you have to start over, have a friend by your side
Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger
threat than the storm outside.
============================================================================
=
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
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