Rules for Bank Robbers and Marraige ... nyuk, nyuk

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                        RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," comitted by young male 
repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their 
business.  This
information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled "How 
Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of 
The Old Farmers
Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance
cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never 
study the
bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for
concealing the loot.  Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank 
robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

  1. Pick the right bank.  Clark advises that you don't follow the lead
of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no 
longer
in business and had no money.  On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank.  A California robber ran into his mother while
making his getaway.  She turned him in.

  2. Approach the right teller.  Granted, Clark says, this is harder to
plan.  One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the
bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant.  She 
hailed a
passing police car, and the police picked him up.  Another teller was 
given a
holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled 
the man
to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

  3. Don't sign your demand note.  Demand notes have been written on the
back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an
envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East
Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's 
signature
and account number.

  4. Beware of dangerous vegetables.  A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried
to hold up a bank with a zucchini.  The police captured him at his house,
where he showed them his "weapon."

  5. Avoid being fussy.  A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller
a note saying, "I have a gun.  Give me all your twenties in this envelope."
The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties."  The robber took them and
left.

  6. Don't advertise.  A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury
ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.  
Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.
Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by
throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars.  They succeeded 
only in
drawing attention to themselves.

  7. Take right turns only.  Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in
Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force 
Base.  They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was 
a tollbooth,
offered the security men money.

  8. Provide your own transportation.  It is not clever to borrow the
teller's car, which she carefully described to police.  This resulted in 
the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

  9. Don't be too sensitive.  In these days of exploding dye packs,
stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark 
points
out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego
and Boston painfully discovered.

  10. Consider another line of work.  One nervous Newport, R.I., robber,
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot 
himself
in the head and died instantly.  Then there was the case of the hopeful
criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money,
fainted.  He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

  In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and
1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent 
of the
bank holdups reported.

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Here is the entire text of a love letter intercepted by a
second-grade schoolteacher, passed on to a parent, who passed it on
to me:

Dear Billy, if you dont say you love me and walk to the bus top with
me I will kill myself and beet you up.  I love you and wan to marry
you soon.  	Suzy

The little girl was eight at the time.  The parent showed me the
letter at the rehearsal dinner the day before Suzy married Billy.
Suzy was twenty-four.  During the wedding service, I shared the
letter with the guests, and in her vows, had Suzy repeat to me:  "I,
Suzy, promise you, Billy, never to kill myself or beat you up."

If the marriage lasts as long as her love, and her love is as large
as the laughter in the ceremony, the odds are good for a happy ever
after.

- a minister
Bellevue, WA.
as told to R.F.