Funny Quotations ... nyuk, nyuk

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QUOTES AND OTHER PONDERABLES:

(Even though you may have heard some of these before, read on)

1.   During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S.
National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a
ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space
capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut
Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S.   The pen worked
and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty  item back here on
Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

2.    Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same. 
- Oscar Wilde

3. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"

4.  I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

5. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices. - William James

6. The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words,
there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but
government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

- From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct.
24th issue of National Review

7.  Half of the people in the world are below average.

8.  Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

9.  On a tombstone:  "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

10.  Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back.  Even if it does
look like he hasn't eaten in a while. - Charles Barkley, after
blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.

11.  Suppose you were an idiot..... And suppose you were a member of
Congress................But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

12. Calvin:  People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but
they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the
world. Hobbes:  Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

13.  Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best
results:  Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm
iron. For not so good results:  Drag behind car through puddles,
blow-dry on roofrack.

14.  "Time's fun when you're having flies."  - Kermit the Frog

15.  A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation.  As he
sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee
table.  "Mind if I have a few" he asks.  "No, not at all" the woman
replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave,
he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied
most of the bowl.  "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts,
I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh thats all right" the woman
says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate
off them."