Who's on first (Star Trek style) ... nyuk, nyuk

Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Thu, 23 Apr 1998 09:42:32 -0500


          Who's On First - Star Trek Style


 Kirk  -  Ah... hello Mister Spock.
 Spock -  Good day, Captain.
 Kirk  -  Are you an avid baseball fan?
 Spock -  Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern
          of 4 sides with a spherical object.  The purpose is to knock
          the 's**t out of' the object amidst loud verbalisations of
          'Hurrah' and 'Kock 'em on their a**.'  Is this correct?
 Kirk  -  Indeed.  We are in the process of learning about one of the
          baseball teams from old Earth.
 Spock -  Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I
          may be of assistance.
 Kirk  -  That's the idea.
 Spock -  Very well... proceed.
 Kirk  -  Alright... Who's on first.
 Spock -  I am unable to determine who is on first without proper
          information concerning the team and year, sir.
 Kirk  -  So?
 Spock -  Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test
          the accuracy.
 Kirk  -  No... Who's on first.
 Spock -  I do not know.
 Kirk  -  No... he's third base.
 Spock -  Who is?
 Kirk  -  No... he's first base.
 Spock -  Who is?
 Kirk  -  Correct.
 Spock -  Who is correct?
 Kirk  -  Sometimes.
 Spock -  Who is sometimes?
 Kirk  -  No... Who is first baseman.  I'm not familiar with
          Sometimes' identity.
 Spock -  Who's identity?
 Kirk  -  No... him I know... he's first baseman.
 Spock -  Who is?
 Kirk  -  Right.
 Spock -  Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.
 Kirk  -  What.
 Spock -  I said the second baseman.
 Kirk  -  What.
 Spock -  This is highly illogical.  You have no apparent auditory
          disfunction, sir.  Now, as I asked... who is the second
          baseman?
 Kirk  -  No... you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.
 Spock -  I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.
 McCoy -  Dammit, Spock!  You messed up the whole setup there!
 Spock -  Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian.
 McCoy -  Obviously.
 Spock -  That much is certain.
 McCoy -  Just get back to the skit.
 Spock -  Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the
          second baseman?
 Kirk  -  No... Who is the first baseman.  What is the second baseman.
 Spock -  That is incorrect, Captain.  The second baseman is obviously
          a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as
          who, and not what.  'Who is the second baseman,' not 'what is
          the second baseman.'
 Kirk  -  Wrong, Spock.  Who is the first baseman, and What is the
          second baseman.
 Spock -  That statement is most illogical.
 Kirk  -  Okay... wait a minute.  We'll get Scotty... he's Scottish..
          he must love baseball.  Oh Mister Scott...
 Scott -  Aye, Cap'n?
 Kirk  -  Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.
 Scott -  Aye, Cap'n.  It ain't never been any other way!
 Kirk  -  You see, Spock?
 Spock -  Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well.
          Alright, Mister Scott... who is the second baseman?
 Scott -  Ach! No, Mister Spock!  That be What you're talking about!
 Spock -  I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about.  I
          am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am
          talking about.
 Scott -  Ach!  Don't bring track inta this!  That be a bloomin'
          field event!
 Spock -  What has this got to do with field events?
 Scott -  Ach! No!  What's the second baseman!
 Spock -  Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who'
          and not 'what' Mister Scott.
 Scott -  Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!
 Spock -  What you are saying is most illogical.
 Scott -  Ach!  No!  What's a real bright fella!
 Spock -  Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott?
 Scott -  No!  Who... now he's a real dope, sir!
 Spock -  Who is?
 Scott -  Right!
 Spock -  You are relieved, Mister Scott.
 Scott -  Aye, sir.
 Spock -  Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested
          in learning who the second baseman is.  I am also growing
          impatient.
 Kirk  -  No... Who's the first baseman.
 Spock -  Very well sir.  Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.

 [Spock leaves.]

 Kirk  -  Whoever!  I forgot about him!  Wait... I don't remember a
          Whoever on the team...

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous,
so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax
her on the long flights. One time, she was sitting next to a man.  When
he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and
went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and
asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The
lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what
about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh,
Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do
you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know.  I guess when I get
to heaven,
I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked
sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

       The Top 15 Signs That Microsoft Owns Part of Apple  
  
  
  
15. Apple's stock fell only 25% last week.  
  
14. Bill Gates's birthday now a paid holiday for Apple employees.
  
13. Default Mac startup sound changed to "Taps."  
  
12. Wall Street brokers have stopped using Apple stock certificates
    as toilet paper.  
  
11. Apple's new slogan: "Almost as good as Windows!"  
  
10. ***** *** **** **** **** **** *** ***** ******* *** ** ****  
    ***, **** * **** **** **** ***** *** ***** ** *** *****.  
  
 9. Cute rainbow-colored apple now inhabited by cute  
    rainbow-colored worm.  
  
 8. Microsoft comes out with an operating system incorporating Mac
    technology... uh, wait a minute...  
  
 7. Phone and utilities mysteriously start working again at Apple's
    corporate HQ.  
  
 6. Steve Jobs seen tending bar at the Gates' private lawn party.
  
 5. Diners in Microsoft's staff cafeteria can now enjoy their apple
    pie purely for its wholesome goodness and no longer as a  
    symbolic act of global domination.  
  
 4. Unsold Newtons used as cobblestones in Gates's driveway.  
  
 3. Apple Employee of the Month gets to hunt loose change at
    Bill's house.  
  
 2. New Apple employee dress code includes large "Property of 
    B. Gates" tattoo on ass.  
  
  
 and the Number 1 Sign That Microsoft Owns Part of Apple...  
  
  
 1. Bill Gates still burned in effigy, but upper management no  
    longer attends.  

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

This last one for the day must have been written by someone that has
ABSOLUTELY NO KIND OF LIFE!!! read and you'll see what I mean....


 Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue
 the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end,
 I hold M&M duels.

 Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
 squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That
 is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
 gets to go another round.

 I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher,
 and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have
 hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in
 the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and
 snack-food world.

 Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
 pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves
 to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy
 extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to
 its environment.

 When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
 strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this
 one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M
 Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503
 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading,
 "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

 This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for
 a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money."
 I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a
 field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

 There can be only one.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
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