Tax day ... accountant nyuk, nyuk's

• Messages sorted by:[ date ][ thread ][ subject ][ author ]

Top Ten New Advertising Campaign Themes for Accountants

When The "Baltimore Business Journal" reported on August 25, 
1995 about the image realignment wanted by accountants, they 
had no idea that Robert Prentice, Professor at the University 
of Texas at Austin would pick it up. They reported that "The 
industry's trade group plans to spend $3 million this year to 
make over the humble accountant's image." Mr. Prentice saw 
this as a call to action, and he quickly marshaled his students 
in LEB 380.17 (Liability of Accountants) to come up with pithy
new slogans for use in the new marketing push. The results of 
their laborious efforts are here, in "Top Ten" format: 

10. No matter how low we sink, we're always a step above lawyers.
 9. Let the lawyers do the lying-- leave the manipulating to us.
 8. We may be geeky, but at least we're not lawyers.
 7. You may not like us, but at least we're not lawyers.
   (At this point, you may be thinking to yourself, "Self, I think I sense a
   pattern here!" But you'd be wrong -- read on!)
 6. Just count it!
 5. Have you hugged your accountant today?
 4. If you don't look good, we don't look good.
 3. After you pay our bill, the IRS's bill won't bother you.
 2. We check to make sure you're balanced.

--And, the Number 1 marketing topic:

1. Accountants: Always there to cover your assets!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

You might be an Accountant if....
1. Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill 
   out the guest comment card
2. You refer to your child as Deduction 214
3. You deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses"
4. You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose 
   the double underline 
5. You have no idea that GAP (sic) is also a clothing store

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Q. What does an actuary do to liven up a party?		
A. He invites an accountant.

Q. How do you know if an accountant is an extrovert or introvert?
A. An extrovert looks at your shoes when talking to you. An 
   introvert looks at their shoes when talking to you.

Q. What is the difference between a Finance Director and a shopping cart?
A. A Finance Director holds more food and drink ..........

Q. How can you tell the difference between an actuary and an accountant? 
A. The actuary is the one with a personality.

Q. What is the difference between a football and Accountant?
A. The football goes farther when you kick it.

Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?	 
A. Jail

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

An accountant spends a week at his new office with the 
accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing 
accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the 
desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened 
if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and
envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.  Three months 
down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are 
wrong - the usual stuff - and the accountant feels very 
threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his 
predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The 
message inside says "blame me!" He does this and gets off
the hook.  Three months later at his next crisis he opens 
the second envelope. 

The message inside says "Write two envelopes".

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

      REDMOND, WA-- In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but
necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and 
exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the 
numbers one and zero Monday.

      With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or
selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks
of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per
digit used is paid to the software giant.

      "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever
since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the
interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free
and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing
marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain
competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use
of our numerals."

      A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer,
Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent
as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit
licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

      "While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to
create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core,
just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO
Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in
many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft
every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this
company."

      "If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but
to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious
doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-
operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

      As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun
radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has
embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium."
Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to
Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-
based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a
revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

      Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining
that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.

      "We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are
legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are
Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol
known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by
Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or
'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept
of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg,
Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's
Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no
difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the
rights to these numbers."

      Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in
the world."

      According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of
one and zero have yet to be realized.

      "Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero,
Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and
logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and
the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence
and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund
Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."

      Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft
may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers
like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this
week.

      Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to
individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as
walking, stretching and smiling.

      In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday,
Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately,
benefit all humankind.

      "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes
of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of
the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful
software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers
who use our products, are the zeroes."



--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>

Higher-Fire Oneness Apostolic Emailing List
Send e-mail to: listproc@prairienet.org to ...

 a) ... Subscribe                  SUB HIGHER-FIRE Your Name
 b) ... UnSubscribe                UNSUB HIGHER-FIRE
 c) ... Postpone Mail              SET HIGHER-FIRE MAIL POSTPONE
 d) ... Resume Mail                SET HIGHER-FIRE MAIL ACK
 e) ... Change to H-F Digests      SET HIGHER-FIRE MAIL DIGEST
 f) ... Check H-F Settings         SET HIGHER-FIRE 
 g) ... Review H-F Subscription    REVIEW HIGHER-FIRE

H-F Homepage     :  http://www.prairienet.org/upci/h-f.html
H-F Nettiquette  :  http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/netiq.html
WWW Archives     :  http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire
H-F F.A.Q.       :  http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/FAQ.html
H-F Channel      :  http://www.elilabs.com/upc/net/higher-fire/pointcast
H-F QuickTour    :  http://www.prairienet.org/~tgnally/HigherFireTour.html
H-F Questionaire :  http://www.prairienet.org/upci/questions.html