Mucho joko's ... nyuk, nyuk

Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Tue, 14 Apr 1998 09:48:41 -0500



~~~  30 Minutes to a Clean House  ~~~

Or, "15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never
told you."


Secret Tip 1: DOOR LOCKS
   If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days, much
   less 30 minutes, employ the "Locked Door Method" of cleaning.
   Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that you accidentally
   locked the door and you can't find the key.

   Of course, the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow.
   CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
   (Time: 2 seconds)

Secret Tip 2: DUCT TAPE
   No home should be without an ample supply.  Not only is it handy
   for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, table-
   cloths, clothes, just about anything.  No muss, no fuss!
   (Time: 3 minutes)

Secret Tip 3: OVENS
   If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens repre-
   sent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means
   they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just
   about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
   (Time: 2 minutes)

Secret Tip 4: CLOTHES DRYER
   Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger!  CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable
   objects here.
   (Time: 2.5 minutes)

Secret Tip 5: WASHING MACHINE & FREEZER
   Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger!!!
   (Time: 3 minutes)

Secret Tip 6: DUST RUFFLES
    No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe
    dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help
    coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom.  The rest of us know
    a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've
    managed to shove under the bed.  (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
    (Time: 4 minutes)

Secret Tip 7: DUSTING
    The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: "Never dust under
    what you can dust around."
    (Time: 3 minutes)

Secret Tip 8: DISHES
    Don't use them!  Two words: Paper. Plastic.
    Time: 1 minute.

Secret Tip 9: CLOTHES WASHING
    This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager.
    When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month,
    the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by
    two ...if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.
    CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who
    don't care if they get in a car wreck.
    (Time: 3 seconds)

Secret Tip 10: IRONING
    If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your
    hair does, a curling iron is the answer.  In between curling your
    hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes!
    Yes, it really does work, ...or so I'm told, by other disciples of
    the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
    (Time: 5 minutes (Includes curling your hair.))

Secret Tip 11: VACUUMING
    Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people
    look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture.  It takes way too
    long and no one looks there anyway.
    (Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only)

Secret Tip 12: LIGHTING
    The key here is low, low, and lower!  It's not only romantic, but
    bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
    (Time: 10 seconds)

Secret Tip 13: BED MAKING
    Get an old-fashioned waterbed.  No one can tell if those things are
    made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of minutes over the course
    of a lifetime.
    (Time: 0)

Secret Tip 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, SINKS
    Forget one and two.  Concentrate on three.
    (Time: 1 minute)

Secret Tip 15: GUESTS
    If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think
    about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.
    (Time: 0)

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied
the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of
liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I
let it go."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor, who
in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
         - Steven Wright -

                 ~~~  Warning Signs Of Insanity  ~~~

 * You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she
   sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
 * You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in
   the middle of your front lawn.
 * You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
   evil dandruff spirits.
 * You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
 * Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of them, in
   places you wouldn't even expect tentacles to be growing from!
 * You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
   setting fire to his lawn decorations.
 * Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
 * You laugh out loud during funerals.
 * Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
   through that scuba mask.
 * You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
   stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to
   one day seek revenge.
 * You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
 * You collect dead windowsill flies.
 * Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its
   wings!"
 * You scream "I've got a knife!" while wielding your toothbrush to
   people who try to sell you things.
 * You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
   they weren't rescued.
 * You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
 * Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
 * Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched
   on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
 * When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room
   to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
 * You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
 * You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just
   for a few minutes.
 * You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
   pretend that you're a stalk.
 * You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
 * People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
   violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

--

Seen on a button: "Sometimes insanity is the only alternative!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


- Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?
 
- Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows 
  you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Who's the boss?

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
points to  three identical-looking parrots on a perch and
says: "The parrot on the  left costs $500." "Why does the
parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.  The  owner says
"Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told
that this one  costs $1,000 because it can do everything the
other parrot can do plus it  knows how to write a brief that
will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about
the third  parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless
to say, this begs the  question, "What can it do?" To which
the owner replies, "To be honest,  I've never seen him do a
thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner." 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[This is supposed to be a true story]

It came time for the final exam in a college class of 1,000,
which was taught by a very surly and unpopular professor.  This
particular exam went the same as usual, except when the professor said
"pencils down", one guy kept working.  In the time it took the hundreds
of students to stack their test papers on a table and leave the hall, the
fellow finished, gathered up his work and headed to the front of the
hall.  The professor, standing by the table on which 999 exam papers were
stacked, asked snidely, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor sneered.
"Your exam is late which means you FAIL my course."

The student, seemingly undisturbed, asked the professor "Do you
know who I am?"

"What?!" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student
showed no sign of emotion.

The student rephrased the question, "Do you know what my name
is?"

"NO!" snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said
slowly, "I didn't think so."

And, he lifted up one of the stacks of tests on the table and
shoved his own test neatly into the middle.  Then, he turned around and
walked casually out of the huge lecture hall. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

We often learn the most from our children.  Some time ago, a friend of
mine punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold
wrapping paper.
Money was tight, and he became infuriated when the child tried to
decorate a box to put under the tree.  Nevertheless, the little girl
brought the gift to her father the next day and said, "This is for
you, Daddy."  He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his
anger flared again when the box was empty.
He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a gift
there's suppose to be something inside of it?"  The little girl lookup
up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh Daddy, it's not empty.
I blew kisses into the box.  All for you, Daddy."  The father was
crushed.  He put his arms around the little girl, and begged her
forgiveness.
My friend told me that he kept the gold box by his bed for years.
Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and
remember the love of the child who had put it there.  In a very real
sense, each of use as parents has been given a gold container filled
with unconditional love and kisses from our children.  There is no
more precious possession anyone could hold. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

           ~~~  Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers   ~~~
                     (And expected hang times)

 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for 
    bankruptcy and you SURE COULD USE SOME MORE MONEY!  Ask, 
    "How long can I keep it?   Do I have to ever pay it back?"  
    (10 seconds)
 
 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" start to sniffle and
    say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days
    and I have all these problems, "my sciatica is acting up," "my dog
    just died," describe your recent surgery...   Continue talking about
    your problems over theit sales pitch.  (4 minutes)   

 3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to
    spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where
    it is located, how do you spell that...  (5 minutes)

 4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
    "Judy!!" (Assuming her name is Judy,)  "Is this really you? I can't
    believe it!  Judy, how have you BEEN?"  This will give Judy a few
    brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she
    could know you from.  (1 minute)

 5. Say, "No,"  over and over.  Be sure to vary the sound of each no,
    and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak.  This is the
    most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.  (3 seconds if they
    know the Federal "3-No's" law, 2 minutes otherwise)

 6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and
    Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I
    don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"  (15 seconds)

 7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can?  Well, how
    about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" (8 seconds)

 8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal feedback
    in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's 
    fascinating."  Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry 
    you. When they get back to the sales, just tell them you couldn't 
    give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.  
    (6 minutes)

 9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.  Example:
    Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."  You: "Watertronics!!
    Hey I work for them too.  Where are you calling from?"  Telemarketer:
    "Uh, Dallas, Texas."  You: "Great, they have a group there too?  How's
    business/the weather?"  (2 minutes)

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their
    phone number you will call them back.  If they say they are not
    allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number
    and tell them you will call them at home.  If the person says, "Well,
    I don't really want to get a call at home,"  say, "Ya! I know HOW YOU
    FEEL!"  (smiling, of course...)  (1 minute)

11. When they ask for a specific person, get choked up, then tell them
    he/she just died and hang up sobbing. (12 seconds) 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

****     The "We Were Poor" Sketch                       ****
****     From "Monty Python Live at City Center" and     ****
****     "Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl"       ****

Four well-dressed men sitting together at a vacation resort.  "Farewell
to Thee" being played in the background on Hawaiian guitar.

Michael Palin:  Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.
Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine,
                ay Gessiah?
Terry Gilliam:  You're right there Obediah.
Eric Idle:      Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin'
                here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?
MP: Aye.  In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup
    o' tea.
GC: A cup ' COLD tea.
EI: Without milk or sugar.
TG: OR tea!
MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.
EI: We never used to have a cup.  We used to have to drink out of a
    rolled up newspaper.
GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
MP: Aye.  BECAUSE we were poor.  My old Dad used to say to me, "Money
    doesn't buy you happiness."
EI: 'E was right.  I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'.  We used to
    live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.
GC: House?  You were lucky to have a HOUSE!  We used to live in one
    room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture.  Half the
    floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for
    fear of FALLING!
TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM!  *We* used to have to live in a
    corridor!
MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor!  Woulda' been a
    palace to us.  We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish
    tip.  We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting
    fish dumped all over us!  House!?  Hmph.
EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered
    by a piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.
GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and
    live in a lake!
TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE!  There were a hundred and sixty
    of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.
MP: Cardboard box?
TG: Aye.
MP: You were lucky.  We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in
    a septic tank.  We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the
    morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down
    mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out.  When we got home,
    out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
GC: Luxury.  We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in
    the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to
    work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad
    would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we
    were LUCKY!
TG: Well we had it tough.  We used to have to get up out of the shoebox
    at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues.
    We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four
    hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we
    got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.
EI: Right.  I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night,
    half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump
    of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill
    owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home,
    our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves
    singing "Hallelujah."
MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't
    believe ya'.
ALL: Nope, nope..

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

    Computer Engineer's Haggadah
    --------------------------------
    Release ISRAEL
    ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release
    Set ISRAEL;mode=master
    Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL
    Set Pharaoh;mode=slave
    Command ignored
    Load Moshe
    Done
    Deactivate Pharaoh
    Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated
    For i=1 to 10 do plagues
    Are you sure? Y
    Done
    
    Release ISRAEL
    error: ISRAEL uninitialized
    Set ISRAEL = 600,000
    Done
    Release ISRAEL
    ISRAEL released

    Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)
    Done
    
    Move ISRAEL to Sinai
    OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA
    HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!
    Save ISRAEL
    Specify save device
    Save ISRAEL with miracle
    Done
    
    Move ISRAEL to Sinai
    Done
    
    For I=1 to 10 do commandments
    Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with active golden 
    calf routine
    Destroy calf
    Done
    For I=1 to 10 do commandments
    Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

    Move ISRAEL to desert
    Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop
    Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years
    Done

    Build Mishkan
    Syntax error
    Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel
    Done

    Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL
    Warning: operand terms must be unique
    Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
    Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN
    set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)
    Done
    Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
    Done

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor.  
He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought 
to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, 
he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifty dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed.  "That's what's 
wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over 
charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, 
when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer & Tiger Woods were out playing golf
together.  The group ahead of them was taking a long time to play 
and the three starting complaining about the slow players.  

Their caddy overheard them and explained that the group ahead of 
them were blind and that's why they were taking so long.

Jack Nicklaus, embarrassed, said "Isn't it wonderful how those 
people have over come their handicap."

Arnold Palmer said, "I agree.  It's really humbling to see them 
out there playing golf."

Tiger Woods looks down the fairway at the group and says, "Why 
don't they play at night?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

        HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT EXERCISING

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of
calories per hour they consume.

  Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
  Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
  Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
  Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
  Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
  Throwing your weight around
     (depending on your weight). . . .50-300
  Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
  Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
  Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
  Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
  Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
  Bending over backwards . . . . . . . .  75
  Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
  Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
  Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
  Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
  Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
  Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
  Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
  Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
  Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
  To which you may want to add your own
     favorite activities, including:
  Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
  Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
  Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
  Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
  Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
  Counting eggs before thay hatch. . . . . 6
  Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Blamestorming:
       Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a 
       project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant:
       An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, 
       leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm:
       An office filled with cubicles. 

404:
       Someone who's clueless.  "Don't  bother asking him; he's 404." From 
       the WWW error message "404 Not Found," meaning the requested
       document couldn't be located. 

Keyboard Plaque:
       The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. 

Mouse Potato:
       The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 

Ohnosecond:
       That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just 
       made a big mistake.

Prairie Dogging:
       When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and 
       people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Starter Marriage:
       A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no 
       kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy:
       A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 

Swiped Out:
       An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the 
       magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Treeware:
       Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. 

Going Postal:
       Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes 
       reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees 
       who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek:
       The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an
       office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."  

Beepilepsy:
       The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off
       (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy 
       facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

Chips and Salsa:
       Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out 
       if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Dancing Baloney:
       Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve 
       simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little 
       dancing baloney will help."

Depotphobia:
       Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money 
       one might spend.  Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Flight Risk:
       Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a 
       company or department soon.

Generica:
       Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter 
       where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot
       what city we were in."

Irritainment:
       Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find 
       yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a
       prime example.

Midair Passenger Exchange:
       Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair 
       passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."

Nyetscape:
       Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser. 

PEBCAK:
       Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and
Keyboard." 
       (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot). They've submitted
       numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who 
       call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation 
       on the above is:

Seagull Manager:
       A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over 
       everything and then leaves.

Square-headed Girlfriend:
       Another word for a computer.  The victim of a square-headed girlfriend 
       is a "computer widow."

Uninstalled:
       Euphemism for being fired.  Heard on the voicemail of a vice president 
       at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an
       uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the 
       operator for assistance."  See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch:
       The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys 
       for certain commands. For instance, the warm boot.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about
the oldest profession (not THAT one!).

The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam
to make woman.  Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest
profession is surely medicine."

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says
that God created the world out of void and chaos.  To do that, God must
surely have been an engineer.  Therefore, Engineering is the oldest
profession."

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward.  "Ah," he says,
"but who do you think created the Chaos?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

An Egyptian professor who was teaching accounting at an American
university was taken for the first time to play golf by a member of the
university golf team. The professor asked, "What do I do?" "You hit the
ball toward the flag on the green."
The professor teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and
onto the green, where it stopped an inch from the hole. "What now?"
"You're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
"Oh, great! NOW you tell me!"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER'S PRAYER
 
  Our program, who art in Memory,
  Hello be thy name.
  Thy operating system come,
  thy commands be done,
  at the Printer as they are on the Screen.
 
     Give us this day our daily data,
     and forgive us our I/O errors as we forgive those
     whose logic circuits are faulty.
 
        Lead us not into Frustration,
        and deliver us from Power Surges.
        For thyne is the Algorithm,
        the Application,
        and the Solution,
        looping for ever and ever. 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Easter Eggs, in computer terms, are little appletts that programmers hide
in their code to list the credits of those responsible for the program.
This started out as pretty simple stuff but has progressed into some very
elaborate code. 

One thing about Easter Eggs is, there are very complicated keystrokes and
steps to get to them. You must follow the steps exactly or you won't find
the egg. 

This year, thanks to my very good friend Udi Lattare I present to you the
hidden Easter Eggs of Word 97 and Excel 97. 

Remember, you have to follow the steps exactly for the Egg to work.
It may seem a little complicated but believe me it is worth the effort.
Why should the kids have all the fun at Easter time? And the best part
is you don't have to leave the computer to go on this Egg hunt. 


Here is the Egg for Word 97

Open a new document 
Type Blue 
Select Word 
Go to Format, then Font
Choose Font Style: Bold, Color: Blue 
Type a space after the word "Blue" 
Go to Help, then About Microsoft Word 
Ctrl-Shift-left-click on the Word icon 
Use Z for left flipper, M for right flipper, and Escape to exit


Here is the Egg for Excel 97 

Open a new blank work sheet. 
Press F5 (go to function) and type X97:L97 in the "Reference" box,
then click OK. 
Now hit your tab key once (you should end up in cell M97) 
Here's the tricky part: press "Ctrl" and "Shift" while clicking once on the
"chart wizard" icon (the one at the top with the blue-yellow-red bar chart)
After a few moments you should be flying
Steer with the mouse, 
accelerate and decelerate with the left and right mouse buttons respectively,
and look for the monolith with the programmer credits.
Steer with the mouse. Moving it sideways moves you sideways.
Acceleration depends on mouse acceleration. 
Left click to zoom in, right click to zoom out.
You can exit the screen by pressing Ctrl+Shift+Esc.
You can hit escape to quit, but then you must restart excel and do it all
over again to get back.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

34 things I learned from video games:

 1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
 2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
 3. If it moves, KILL IT!
 4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
 5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys."
    A. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns.
    B. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit.
    C. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then
       against a "boss" in one on one combat.
 6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle
    work'.
 7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.
 8. You can smash things and get away with it.
    A. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
    B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
 9. Cybernetics are our friends.
10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away
    with it.
11. If someone dies, they disappear.
12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal.
15. If it's on the ground, you should get it.
16. Repulsive, ugly, cannabalistic, evil beings have just as much
    right to be loved as heroic fighters.
17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.
18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
20. Death is reversible (but only for you!).
21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing
    red or yellow.
23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky  (a stork?) and are
    completely invincible for a short time.
24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in
    elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all
    down.
25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have
    great bodies.
26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.
27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no
    reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and
    defeat them with it.
28. Shoot everything.  If it blows up or dies, it was evil.  If it
    doesn't, try and pick it up--- it was probably a powerup or bonus.
29. Carpe diem!  You only live three times!
30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have acheived a
    near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain
    number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat
    the snot out of you.
31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
32. 200 - 1 odds against you is NOT a problem.
33. gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the
    same names.
34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and
    explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

      INTERVIEW WITH THE EASTER BUNNY
      ===============================

With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a
busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a
year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of
boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and
eggs as part of the celebration of Easter. America Online spent a few
minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year's
task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you
knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised.

America Online: Thanks for talking to us.

Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? (takes
out a packet of small green pellets) I've been in a rush recently.

AOL: Go right ahead. We've got a list of questions here, compiled from
our members, and I'll just go down the list if you don't mind.

EB:  Ready when you are.

AOL: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes:
"We all know that Santa's Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does
the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?"

EB:  Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It's
located in San Bernardino, California.

AOL: San Bernardino?

EB:  That's right.

AOL: You have to understand that most people would have figured some
place like Easter Island.

EB:  Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It's the single
most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped
fresh eggs there, we'd have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the
sort of motivated labor pool we need.

AOL: Elves?

EB:  Laid-off aerospace workers.

AOL: They would seem to be a little overqualified.

EB:  Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers.

AOL: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: "Why is
the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn't it have been the Easter Kitty,
or the Easter Puppy?"

EB:  That's a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an
organization decided to play around with the whole "bunny" thing by
recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In 1978,
when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny, an
Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon.

AOL: What happened?

EB:  It just didn't work out. The Komodo dragon ate the eggs, the
coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just
about as dumb as a stick. There were some other problems with the
program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating
Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We
know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don't eat anyone.

AOL: Bob in Honolulu asks: "Is there is just one Easter Bunny?
Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last
couple of millennia?"

EB:  The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter
Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa
Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one
guy delivers all those presents -

AOL: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?

EB:  I didn't say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that
*we* don't work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think
about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million
homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would
turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd be hideous charcoal
smudges all over the baskets. "Easter Bunny" is a job description, not
a proper name. It's like "Postal Carrier," except our employees very
rarely become disgruntled.

AOL: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?

EB:  Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny until I say you are.

AOL: How does one become an Easter Bunny?

EB:  Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny trail, I'll tell
you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny.
After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of
physical tests you have to pass. We can't afford to have an Easter
Bunny cramp up at the beginning of his run.

AOL: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?

EB:  I don't want to name names. But one bunny who's making a living
in the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let go. Any time a child
would try to get an Easter basket from him, he'd back away and start
snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets are for kids.

AOL: He seems to have gotten better since then.

EB:  Prozac helps.

AOL: Albert from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, wants to know what are the
occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny.

EB:  There are several. Large dogs are always a problem, of course:
one moment you're delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a
Rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous
homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops
and private security guards. We don't even bother trying to deliver to
the children of militia members anymore; first they'll plug you for
being on their land, then they'll make you into jerky and a pair of
gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?

AOL: What?

EB:  Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we'll just forget they're there.
Man, that's embarrassing.

AOL: Here's an interesting question, from Amy, in New York City. She
writes: "How does the Easter Bunny get along with Santa Claus? It
seems like Santa gets all the attention." And I have to say, I did
notice some tension earlier, when you brought him up.

EB   (Looking uncomfortable): Well, you know, look. I don't want to
say anything bad about the guy. He does what he does, and I do what I
do. Professionally, we get along fine.

AOL: But privately?

EB:  Is that tape recorder turned off?

AOL: Uh.....sure.

EB:  He's a big ol' pain in this bunny's bottom. For one thing, he's a
prima donna: always me, me, me, where's my highball, where's my corned
beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own dressing room. I'd
rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford. For another, he's
totally paranoid of other large men. He thinks that Luciano Pavarotti
is trying to move into his territory. Last year it was John Goodman.
He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked, waving his pistol and
bellowing "Rosebud!" from the top of his lungs.

AOL: Wow. He seems a little scary.

EB:  You think? And yet he gets all the publicity. Why? We do the same
job. Mine's actually tougher, since I'm moving perishable stuff. You
can't have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know.  Folks wouldn't
stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality control. The only food
product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You could tile the Space
Shuttle with fruitcake.

AOL: We're sure you have your own fans.

EB:  It's like opening for the Beatles, is all. And he *is* the
walrus, if you know what I mean.

AOL: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford, Illinois; "Does the
Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that happen, since the Easter
Bunny is both male and a mammal?"

EB:  Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay eggs. So it's not
impossible.

AOL: That still leaves the male part.

EB:  We're quibbling on details, here.

AOL: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.

EB:  Sorry. We tried that in '78.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Ferry

Dan really liked living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the
ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and he'd have to spend the next hour or
two wandering the streets of lower Manhattan. 

So when Dan spotted a ferry no more than twelve feet from the dock, he
decided he didn't want to wait for another. He made a running leap and
landed on his hands and knees...a little bruised maybe...but safe on deck. 

As he got up, brushing himself off, he announced proudly to a passenger,
"Well, I made that one, didn't I?" 

"Ya sure did," the passenger said. "But you should have waited a minute or
two. The ferry is just about to dock." 

--
Bro Tyler Nally <tnally@iquest.net> <tgnally@prairienet.org>
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