Many nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Fri, 03 Apr 1998 10:45:17 -0500
These newspaper headlines are real, each and every one of them.
They're also dumb, dumb, dumb (but funny).
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert says.
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
29. Drunken Driver Pays $1,000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Couple Slain: Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charges
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping the Needy
42. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
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Signs you live in a small town:
- The welcome sign and leaving sign are on the same post.
- Your mailman doesn't have to leave home to deliver the mail.
- You actually LIKE the tune "Small Town" by Springstein.
- You go online to read "HFTE" and everyone comes over to read
it with you.
- The mayor runs the city out of his house.
- You sneeze and get a "Gesundheit" from half the population.
- The town dog pound and jail are the same.
- Your address reads: John Doe, Smalltown, and you get it.
- There is no middle school, until the elementary school
students move in grade.
- The elementary school crossing guard is also the sherrif.
- The local baseball teams only have five members each
(only two teams).
- The town picnic only needed two packs of hotdogs, two packs
of buns, one six pack of Dr. Pepper, one bag of chips, and two
six packs of soda to feed all the residents.
- The local paper comes out monthly, and is only one page.
- Two people in line at the grocery store is a rush, and three
cars at an intersection is a traffic jam.
- Your phone number has two digits.
- The cop stops you only to tell you that your wife wanted you
to pick up some milk on the way home.
YOU MIGHT BE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF:
1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to "headlight parties"
5. You used to drag "main"
6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police
officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which
ones won't
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but
is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy's house
12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children's
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks
knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd
tell your parents, anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy
smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on
back roads to smoke them
16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five
old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop
for the latest smut
17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade
18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming
19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you
have gained weight or quit taking care of youself
20. No place sells gas on Sunday
21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one
screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and
drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)
22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks
23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date
25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog
26. You had senior skip day
27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation
28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves
across the street
30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but
you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Cafe, go
two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track
field)
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Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans
Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan
would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title
to the property offered as collateral. The title for the
property in question was complicated and he spent a
considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents
back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his
examination, he submitted the information to the VA.
He soon received a reply from the VA.
"We received your letter today enclosing application for a
loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The
application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the
title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and
possible approval can a be accorded the application, it will be
necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.
"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I
note that you wish titles extended further back than I have
presented. Your attention is invited to the following
information to update your records for the property prior to
1803.
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that
the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France
in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate
transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest
from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of
discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He
was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her
permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles -
almost as careful as the V.A. - took the precaution of securing
the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.
f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God
created title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus
was the original holder of the property in question.
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MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree."
TRANSLATION: "I disagree."
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You have a problem.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.
TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't
think you do either.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent.
Can you give me a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail
program.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue
in desktop computing.
TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor.
TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.
TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this
project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't
work.
TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.
TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased
answer.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your
proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something
this stupid.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the
future we shall do something completely different.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast
majority of employees.
TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
They found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching
the action. A substitute was put into the game and as he was
running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to
his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect
him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the
strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a
girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept."
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie
popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your
third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh?
How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first
or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the
genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything
back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus,
you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was
before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared
forever. "That was your first wish too."
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana
and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll
just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will
run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying
the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a
few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in
the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the
guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a
tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater
towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its
neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little
effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on
its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Rats, this one doesn't
have any shoes either!"
Q. Why did the dimwit sell his car?
A. He needed money for gas.
Q. Why do you see so many dimwits standing on the corner?
A. They're waiting for the stop signs to change.
A drunk phoned police from his cell-phone to report that thieves
had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering
wheel, the shift, the brake pedal, even the accelerator" and
gave them his location. However, before the Police car left the
station, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came
over the line.
"Never mind", he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by
mistake".
Two mice met behind a toaster in a Columbia Maryland
household. "It's been a long time." the first said.
"How's everything ?"
"Great !" the second replied. "I have three brothers in
pharmaceutical testing and a sister in heart research."
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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named
Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the
only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
--
______ ___ __ _____ __ __ __ __ tnally@iquest.net
|_ _| \ | | _ | | | | \ \/ / tgnally@prairienet.org
| | | |\\| | _ | |__| |__ | | T. Nally - "A M.I.M.E. is a
|__| |__| \___|_| |_|_____|_____||__| a terrible thing to waste."