Rough landings ... nyuk, nyuk's

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       Stories from Flight Attendants.....
           apologizing for rough transport

  Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system,
  "Sorry folks for the hard landing.  It wasn't the pilot's
  fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."


  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
  hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline
  had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
  door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks
  for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in light of his bad
  landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
  thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally
  everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
  walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
  question?"  "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"


  From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome
  aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt,
  insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works
  just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
  operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
  unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
  oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming,
  grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small
  child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
  with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small children,
  decide now which one you love more.  Weather at our destination
  is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have
  them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, noboby
  loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


  United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now
  painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all
  of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with
  us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead
  bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during
  our so called "touch down."


  Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
  on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach
  the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
  hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced,
  "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in
  your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis
  what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


  Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
  landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
  bounces us to the terminal."


  Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing,
  but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose
  your luggage."


  Student pilot to irate instructor:
  "Think about it.  I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling
  around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion
  reaction source at thousands of miles per hour.  This system is
  moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows
  what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I
  bounced 6 inches.  6 MEASLY INCHES!  You need to get off my
  back, man!"


  Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
--                                            
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