Many nyuk, nyuk's
Tyler Nally (tnally@iquest.net)
Thu, 12 Feb 1998 09:23:25 -0500
Last night I dreamed I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
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"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think."
- Unknown
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~~~ True Commitment! ~~~
To Mary, the love of my life :
There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb the
highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would swim the
widest ocean to be near you, my Beloved. I would walk through fire &
brave giant monsters & beasts for you, my Love. My Precious Darling, I
would walk on glass & sleep in brambles if you asked me to. If you were
dying & in need of a kidney, I would gladly give you mine...both! My
Darling, you are everything I ever wanted in any of my wildest
dreams...I am so lucky to have you.
With love and tenderness,
John
P.S. See you Saturday night, if it doesn't rain.
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The Shift Key FAQ
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Unleash the Power of Shift! The Shift Key FAQ - Version 1.1
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
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Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the real shift
keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point
them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up
at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit
staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this
feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause
Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing
something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift
Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your
computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters
and punctuation?
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps
your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe
you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also
consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with
lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard
frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation.
First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and
pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub
thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool.
Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld
blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to
clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys
labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your
hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with
an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be
thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them
confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is
there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the
shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your
computer is equipped with speech recognition equipment by saying the word
"shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard
closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat
this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice
before the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two.
Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts.
Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to
make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's
better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears
much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger
because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large
field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view
it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my
computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100
terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it.
Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the
problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these
keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of
righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before
rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of
your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your
relationship with the Almighty.
---------------------------
Here's one off the Geek-Humor Mailing list, from Ritholtz@AOL.COM
(if you'd like to get on this list (SOME FUNNY STUFF!!!) the subscription
info is on the end of this joke).
The Watch
~~~~~~~~~~
A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him and asks "Have
you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around. After glancing at his
wrist he says "it's about a quarter to s--"
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows
him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the
86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a
voice says "The time is eleven 'til sixteen" in a very West Texas accent. A
few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues "I've put in regional accents for each city".
The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and the voice is
simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible, without the tinny sound you
might expect from a speaker that could fit on a watch. The stranger is struck
dumb with admiration.
"That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons - it has more than
a dozen - and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on
the display. "If we were outside", Jake says apologetically, "it could show
you where we were by satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do
is remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area. View recede
ten", he adds to the watch, and the display changes to show eastern New York
state.
"It responds to voice?!" gasps the stranger, and Jake nods enthusiastically:
"But I haven't got it all programmed yet - most of the functions are still
button-activated."
"I want to buy that watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says
the inventor. "But look at this:", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the
watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner,
a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as well as trigger
the stopwatch function for close racing finishes, a pager with thermal paper
printout and, most impressive of all to the now drooling listener, has
capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only
have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Jake. He starts up "The Moon
is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert Heinlein, and although the stranger has never
heard of either he can still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of
the normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.
"I've got to have that watch!", he says.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15 000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
"I've just *got* to have that watch!"
"But...". Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and
development, and with $15 000 he could make another one and have it ready for
merchandising in only another half a year. "$15,000?"
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "Ok", he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange, the check for the watch, and the stranger starts
happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus
station. "Don't you want the batteries?"
--
______ ___ __ _____ __ __ __ __ tnally@iquest.net tnally@mcp.com
|_ _| \ | | _ | | | | \ \/ / tgnally@prairienet.org
| | | |\\| | _ | |__| |__ | | T. Nally - "A M.I.M.E. is a
|__| |__| \___|_| |_|_____|_____||__| a terrible thing to waste."